Walking the tightrope

Do you ever feel like your walking a tightrope?

Perhaps the tightrope in your life is the thin taut line between peace or chaos, hope or despair, safety or danger. Perhaps your tightrope is the line between knowing when to provide for your children or when to allow them to be independent, bonding with your child or being over protective.

I have never walked across a tightrope. I imagine the feeling. The first few baby steps. The fear of falling, shaking, trembling with excitement. The rope rebels, shivering underneath you. Arms flail. Willing yourself not to look down. Teetering on the edge. Desperate to find the delicate balance. The rope suddenly seems so long.

Somewhere in the middle you become aware that your feet have become one with the rope. Your body in perfect harmony. Steady arms. Light steps. Confident. The rope now seems short.

You reach your goal safely. You look back and realize the rope never became firmer. You relaxed, gained confidence were able to cross with ease. You feel empowered, courageous. Eventually the rope holds no attraction, it no longer poses a challenge, there is no risk. You raise the rope higher a need to satisfy the thrill seeker within you.

I have a tightrope in my life. The name of my tightrope is religion.

My three older siblings are religious. They believe in God follow the Torah and its laws. I imagine their spiritual world a mountain. Covered in beautiful wild flowers. Fresh air . Sweet smelling scent. The climb tough. The goal rewarding, priceless.

My three younger siblings are no longer religious. I think they still believe in God but they have left the path of the Torah. I imagine their spiritual world as a murky river. Snaking its way deep in a valley. Muddy waters. A swim might feel refreshing but soon leaves you suffocating, gasping for air.

Like my position in the middle of the family I feel like I am walking on a tightrope between these two worlds. Somewhere on my tightrope their two worlds merge creating a space of turmoil, uncertainty, and hostility.

Some days I walk across the tightrope I feel like God is lifting me. Walking on air. My body light, weightless. I almost dance my way across. The journey is effortless the view is beautiful, pretty. I walk with confidence.

Some days the rope seems jagged, frayed. I walk alone on the edge. A precarious balance.  I see shiny treasures buried in the river beneath me. Enticing me. From up here they appear shiny, glistening in the grey water below. Its only once you have dived in you realize it is all an illusion. The gold fake. The treasure worthless.

I need to choose a world. A world I can belong in. A world where the doubt and  confusion disappears. 

In my heart I know which world will leave me empty, my life worthless. Deep down I know which world will leave me fulfilled, my existence meaningful.

Yet I am still standing here on this tightrope. Conflicted.