Sleep deprivation

I am now experiencing the joy of a mother with a child who refuses to sleep. This week, last week, next week all seem to have melted into one long never ending day. There are mornings I get up not sure which day I am greeting. I see the world around me in a haze.

I jump into an icy cold shower hoping it will lift the fog I see through my partially closed eyes. Not a coffee drinker so no help there.

My head heavy as a brick only sheer willpower preventing me from collapsing to the ground into blissful sleep.

I hear sounds of a hungry baby I rush to my daughter as fast as my sleep deprived body will allow me. I feel my baby's squirming little body relax against mine as I feed her. Her breathing deepens, her eyes close, ever so gently I carry her to the crib. 

I lie in my bed beside her mind racing I know I am missing something today possibly an important appointment. The piece of information is lodged in the corner of my mind just out of reach, taunting me. I give up the struggle, let it go, I do not have the strength to capture the thought.

My brain surrenders I am drifting off to sleep I hear a small whimper. I am instantly alert the whimpers now turn into cries. I pick my daughter up hold her close she rests peacefully her small head burrowed into my shoulder. I feel the rhythm of her heart beating against mine I talk soft words she does not understand my voice soothing her.

As she dreams I read the latest news on our computer the words do not register. My mind only accepts the knowledge necessary for its survival.

As I swaddle my baby in her favorite pink bunny rug I pray. I pray for sleep, I pray for sanity, I beg rest for my burning weighted eyes.

Not even ten minutes later I see two chubby legs waving in the air. I look over at my daughter she smiles I smile back at her. I manage to grab a camera and record her adorable squeals as she informs me in baby babble of all the reasons she is not interested in staying on the crib. These are the moments I live for. Moments of pure love and pride I know it is all worth it.

My family and friends will watch the video and see only her cuteness. One day I to will look back and only remember the joy as I took the video without the desperation I now feel for sleep. I need sleep!!