Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?
Why have I slipped again? Why has this addiction become a center of my life again? Why have things changed since last week when I was strong? Why a few days ago was I able to resist? Why am I so drawn to this? Why won't it go away and leave me alone?
So many questions and no answers.
I am slipping tumbling down a slide, to fast, to hard. I try grab onto the edge to gain stability. I want to slow down. All I receive is a painful friction burn.
I'm scared actually I'm terrified. Fear has a grip so tight it has paralyzed my heart. I can't do this again. I don't know if I have any fighting power left in me.
On the outside I appear to be the typical young married kollel wife with a 4 month old infant. Inside I am a war-zone full of darts and swords. These two sides of me are constantly wrestling with one another fighting to win. How much longer can I continue living a double life?
How much longer can I continue hiding this from my husband, my family, my friends. I don't know how much longer I can survive the blade of the giant chainsaw that is splitting my body into two.
I want my life back the one I've had the last few months the peace, the tranquility, the happiness, the laughter, the joy. I don't want to return to a life of struggles, of wars, of screams, and pain.
I knew if I didn't deal with this addiction it would return. I thought if I could ignore all the warning signs I could pretend it wasn't there.
I was wrong it lay simmering underground like a bubbling volcano. Lying in wait for the perfect moment to erupt. And now it has exploded hard and fast with no intention of calming down.
What do u do when a volcano erupts? Is there any way to stop the deadly lava? Any way to outrun the blast?
What do I do now? Where do I go from here???
More questions I don't have answers for. Some days I just wish I could disappear.
I don't know what your addiction is, but for nearly all of them there are support groups and websites available. If it is alcohol/drugs, AA is fantastic for people who *want* sobriety, even if they are struggling.
ReplyDeleteI suspect, just on a hunch, that you are not alcoholic. I suspect, same hunch, that you cut.
There are support groups and websites available, where you can turn when the urge is overwhelming. You can also find maintenance support, even when you are not in crisis.
Do you have a therapist you work with?
I come from an abusive background, and my marriage is not the best. Not abusive, just not what I would want if I had my choice. There are times I feel contentment and at peace...and there are times I feel the storms in my head! Miserable times, those are. Like most storms though, they are loud and cause some messiness, but they pass eventually. Then things are calm again for awhile, then the storms..then calm..then storms. That is life, I guess.
I avoid doing what doesn't *need*to be done, during those times. I prefer to be home, and not feel like I have to maintain a veneer of being "fine" when I am really not feeling fine.
During those stormy times, I attend to my home and myself as much as I can. Keeping things tidy seems to help me, even if it's hard for me to do sometimes.
I just tell people I am feeling "low-energy", not that I am feeling depressed. No one tells me to get over "low-energy" like they do depression. It sounds more medical, I guess..lol.
And I reach out for help! To people who "get it" and are not related to me. My therapist and support group members are my first stops. I do not want to involve my family, mostly because the idea of feeling "responsible" for their feelings is too overwhelming. I also need and value my privacy. So I reach out to people who understand things, without needing me to explain a lot.
*warm hugs and cuddles to you* Hang in there. You can do this. It will pass and if you need help getting there, seek it out! I have shown up in tears, or called when I am barely able to speak, asking for help from appropriate people.
I have even called those anonymous suicide lines, not wanting to kill myself, but needing to speak to someone who won't judge me and can offer me a little assurance and nurturance.
*more warm hugs and cuddles* Hang in there and keep us posted.
Somehow this was left out of my previous comment, if cutting is not your addiction, I apologise and hope you were not hurt or offended.
ReplyDeleteNo matter what it is...there is help out there. Someone told me once that if I didn't have to invent a new name for whatever it is I am doing, someone somewhere has done it before. I am not the only one, I am not the first and won't be the last.
I also wanted to add, sometimes going out and helping other people makes me feel so much better, it's amazing.
I am not talking big chesed progects. I am talking pointing out someone dropped a glove, or holding doors for old people. Little things...all day long. I do actually wander around, "shopping" or whatever excuse I need, to do this. Crazy? Maybe..lol. But it works for me.
Hi btdt, thankyou so much for your support and for reaching out to me through this blog. I understand exactly what you mean when you descirbe the storms in your head the ups the downs the pattern of life. You sound like an amazingly strong person who is very in touch with yourself and able to deal with your issues head on when they come up. I hope this time in your life is a peaceful one and you are doing well. If you are ever interested and want to talk more you can email me and maybe we could give each other some support during the stormy times.
ReplyDeleteHi Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI thought of you several times today. I hope the storms have calmed at least a bit. I am in a good place right now, thank you for asking.
I am thinking over sharing email addresses with you. For now, I will post here. I napped earlier today for too long, and so I am awake now. I actually like the wee hours. The world is not shrill and crowded.
I am not sure if I am a strong person. But I do face my issues head-on. I have been in therapy for a long time, I come from a pretty crazed family. I have never once been able to hide from my "issues" or out run them. I have tried..oh, how I have tried! Nah, I face them. White knuckles, if it has to be that way. It is painful, but worth it. I do not want to be haunted my the same things forever.
A big part of my ability now to live life as it comes, and not freak out as often, is the fact that I have accepted myself, just the way I am.
I know I have emotional problems. I know why I have emotional problems. So I quit denying it, and learned to love myself anyhow. Do I do things that are weird? Sure do! So what, I tell myself. If doing something odd helps me stay safe from doing something self-destructive, I will do the odd thing.
I am in therapy, and I have a very good therapist. I stopped asking when I will be done with therapy. The answer is clear to me now. I need help navigating the world because of things other people did. It is not fair, no. But it is a fact. Sometimes I need a lot of help, and sometimes I just need to check-in and go home to my life. I was given a faulty instruction booklet when I was young. Not my fault..but it is the one I have. I need someone who can help me interpret it, so I can live happy and content.
This is long, and I'm feeling a little self-concious about that. I hope I am not writing too much. (edit- I did write too much..lol. Well, 2 posts it shall be then.)
I had some other ideas today, about how I deal with the stormy times.
ReplyDeleteIf I walk around crying, it puts people off. It is not ok for me to do that, and it's not good for me either. They can't help quiet the storm.
One thing I do when I feel on the verge of crying is daven. And I do not mean daven that H' will help me feel peaceful. (Although, I do that too.)
I mean I literally stand in shul, with the siddur in front of my face...and pour my heart out to H'. Do I say the words of the Amidah during those times? No, I don't. But I do pray and pour out my hurt and anger to H' and I know He is listening to me and I know He will help me.
Why in shul? Because no one has ever asked me why I was crying while I was davening. Who would do that? Ask something so personal, when it is obvious, the crying-davener is in conversation with H'! No need to ask...perhaps just admire my kavanah and emunah from afar. Even aspire to my level..lol.
Also, I find the swaying I do natually, very calming for some reason.
Then I can stop crying and go have some so-so cookies, and finish the day feeling less "on the edge". I have tried it at home, but it doesn't work as well for me. I find instead of feeling better, I feel sad and have a hard time with the rest of the day.
I make sure to thank Him too, for bringing me this far, and letting me have a good life despite my beginnings. I imagine H' as more person-like than a lot of people do, I suspect.
And loving. H' is very loving to me, and forgiving. He knows my struggles, and even if I fall short, He knows I wanted to do better and will try again.
If I am crying on the bus, on the couch, in my room, nearly anywhere else...someone will ask, "Are you ok?" or worse.."Why are you crying?" I don't want to explain it. Sometimes I can't explain it. It is hard for people to understand and I don't need them to know *that* much about me. Like I said, I value my privacy.
I don't want to make your eyes fall-out from over use..lol. So for tonight, I will say this.
I can't speak for you. But for me..I feel comfortable with saying this.
I am probably half-crazy. I am not always crazy, lots of times I am just like everyone else. But the times when I am not like "everyone" else..I will not beat myself up and try to stuff myself back in a corner. I did not choose this. No one asked my permission.
I will do my best to be appropriate and do what I need to do to stay healthy. But if I can't quite do that, I will find less-obtrusive ways to feel relief. I deserve relief, and as long as it is not harmful and I am not making a spectacle of myself...why not?
For now, my pillows are calling to me again. So good-night for now. I hope you are tucked in your bed, sleeping peacefully, and having the sweetest of dreams
Hi BdDt,
ReplyDeleteIt is good to hear that things have calmed down for you a bit. It seems as though you have found some light in your tunnel and are slowly emerging from the darkness. It takes enormous courage to face the storms head on especially when they have turned into hurricanes inside you. You have found some amazing coping mechanisms the way you pour your heart out to Hashem is so inspirational. Don't be self concious over what you wrote I am so touched that you wrote to me hearing from you really helped me alot. I imagine crying would be such a release I havn't cried in months my body refuses to let it go it is all pent up inside me and keeps growing everyday. The addiction is the way I find some relief and even though I know in the long run it is not good for me it seems to be the only way out of the pain. I need to find ways in which I can express myself in a better more positive way. Maybe I will try talking to Hashem more even though my relegious level is on the rocks at the moment I know He is always listening to us.
Again if you ever comfortable with sharing your email adress your welcome to email me I would love to hear from you.
The bad old Yetzer Hara. He makes you think you can't overcome. Dont fall for his stupid tricks. Dont let him ruin your life. Dont let him take you away from your baby, or your baby away from you.
ReplyDeleteSeek the help you need from the people that care about you and know how to help you.
do it.
do it now.
Im so sorry for all the pain you have gone through in your life. I really hope you find the happiness and comfort that you had once felt in the not so distant past.
ReplyDeleteOne more thing....
ReplyDeleteI know you are having religion issues at the moment and I can understand that. I really cant imagine the pain you have gone through over the years, but just remember, G-d and the Torah are perfect....man is not. Thats the creed that I follow, especially whenever I read about frum people doing despicable things. Its easier said than done, but some people do find happiness in growing closer and connecting with G-d. For some it is harder though, especially when there is a lot of anger and pain that they must deal with. You will overcome this. I have a feeling you are a lot stronger than you think.
what happened to you? No posts in over a month? I hope you are ok....
ReplyDelete